Forget Me Not
Me and my nephew in 2016, the day of his birth.
About 5 years ago now, I arrived at the conscious choice that I did not want to have children. My whole life I assumed I would. I love kids. I’m great with babies. I babysat and nannied in my adolescence and early twenties. I am aware, and have often been told, that I carry and exhibit what is referred to as a natural “maternal instinct”. So for most anyone who’s ever known me, it would have been an easy thing to assume that I would one day become a mother myself. I also assumed this. Until the day I realized that not doing it could be an actual choice.
This “assumption” had more to do with the traditional path the world taught me I was supposed to follow – go to college, start a career, get married, have children, and so on… And basically zero to do with any actual true self-awareness or checking-in with my own calling. All this was also before I “woke up”.
Upon my waking, and the eventual unfolding of this personal conversation and reflection within myself, I also awoke to the inner truth that a large part of why I was “desiring” these things was rooted in a belief that said these very things would be what would make me “whole”, that something was “missing” from my life without all this.
Our society often tells women they are “incomplete” if they are unmarried and “childless”.
An unfortunate, and toxic, story that exists in American culture (and many others), is that if a woman is single and/or without children by a certain age then it must be because something is “wrong” with her – since clearly no one wants to date her… Alternatively, things just “didn’t work out for her”. It’s comical to me anymore that it is beyond people’s comprehension that a woman could actually consciously choose NOT to do these things.
*Please note – It’s important that I’m clear that I support ANY choices women – or ANY gender person – make around marriage and children. This is a PERSONAL decision for each human and/or partnership, and there are a million and one ways a “family” can look. So you do YOU. Just do you because it’s what right for YOU.
In my experience as of late, it’s a little (or a lot) like this – if I had nickel for every time someone said to me, “How are you still single?!”… Dude, would I have a lottt of nickels! Again I find it humorous (and pretty irritating, to be honest) that it’s as if I am simply at the mercy of whether a man wants me or not – that it doesn’t even enter into the realm of possibility that I could be consciously, actively choosing not to partner for now.
Only a few short years ago, upon being asked if I wanted children, and my answering “No”, I even had the oh-so-sweet pleasure of having that someone reply in return right to my face (a very “conscious” someone, by the way) by saying, “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man.” (Insert vomiting emoji face here.) I mean really?? Again, this offends the deep soul-level work I’ve done to come to this decision and clarity for myself.
It’s like someone telling me that after alllll that self-work I’ve done, that they know me better than me.
I vividly remember the moment that I realized having children was actually my choice. In that massive ah-ha my whole being paused and stepped back, and I asked myself, “Do I even want that?” A question I had never asked or even considered prior to that moment.
Those initial couple years I sat a lot with the thoughts. I explored the different scenarios, and in that time Spirit divinely had me cross paths with multiple woman in their later seasons of life who had made the choice “not to”. I asked them openly about if they regretted it… There was many an important conversation without and within that took place on this matter. It wasn’t cut ‘n’ dry immediately…
I could probably easily write a whole book on just the slivers of this I’ve shared thus far.
Almost entirely now do I feel completely aligned and at ease with my choice and the calling I’m answering for my life. Of course there are the tiniest moments that still creep in, mostly to do with my wee bit of curiosity around being pregnant and accepting that I’ll never know what that feels like in my body. Truth is, there’s no guarantee I’d ever experience it even if I actively wanted to.
But the other day, something about all this struck a deeper chord. A thought randomly passed through my consciousness that said,
“I’ll never be anyone’s Grandmother.”
This one hurt.
My own Grandmothers immediately came into my Heart and I reflected on the preciousness and significance of those relationships. I had to mourn for a moment that I won’t ever share DNA with anyone in that exact way.
Me (age 6) with the people who made me an Aunt
Yet, even though there was a deep ache that came with this realization, it also passed almost just as quickly. You see, what I have been gifted in this life is the MOST precious role of being an Aunt. Just as swiftly, “my kids” came into my mind and heart and I thought, “I absolutely do share DNA – and something so very special with this next generation of my family." And it’s one of my FAVORITE parts of being a human.
It’s likely you’ve heard me express my feelings about my Aunthood before. I’ll reiterate again here that it is up there with the most sacred roles I am here to fulfill in this life. I genuinely cannot begin to fully express the depth of meaning and connection, and purpose I feel and experience in my relationships with my siblings’ children. I am brought to tears as I type this, thinking of them and the love I feel in the bonds we share.
Something that’s been vibrating strongly in my field, particularly this month, and ever since my “I won’t be a grandmother” thought, is that even if I am never anyone’s literal grandmother, I sure as hell will still be someone’s Ancestor. And regardless of the other exact title(s) I hold while in this body, “Ancestor” will apply.
Women in Calavera dress celebrating Día de los Muertos
Living in New Mexico the last couple years I’ve had the great privilege of learning more and experiencing firsthand many of the beautiful traditions and celebrations from the indigenous Native American and Mexican cultures. Coming up next week is the start of the sacred Día de los Muertos celebration which honors and acknowledges those family members who have passed on. I’ve felt such a strong resonance with this tradition, and it’s had me reflecting in an even deeper way lately about my Ancestor-hood.
One of the most important focuses of Día de los Muertos is about remembrance. Keeping the memories of loved ones alive and bowing in reverence to them for all the wisdom they’ve passed down, and continue to pass down from the Spirit world. Ahhh, what a beautiful and deeply moving tradition!
Here’s something for you:
You are a future Ancestor. Have you ever considered this?
How would you like to be remembered? And maybe more so, what is the impact you’re having on your family line NOW? The work you do in this life isn’t just for in this life, in this body. You are creating connections that live on — you absolutely will continue to have an impact on future generations – ones you’ll never even “meet” in a body. The work you do now to heal, and the way you show up to your family and your life IS your legacy.
Over the last several years, it’s been made clear to me that I carry a Soul imprint of Divine Mother energy. What I’ve learned in this is that my version of “motherhood” simply shows up differently on the outside than the way we’ve learned it looks. Again, there are many different unique versions. This is not to take away from anyone who is a mother in this life to a human child – it’s to say that for me, I know I am here to deliver and express this Love in a different form, to various people in various ways. I am here to “birth” other things, and play a different role in the lives of children. I feel strongly that I will be remembered by “my kids” as someone who was consistent, someone who always told them the truth, someone who allowed them to feel, and to express themselves, and most of all as someone who loved, and LOVES, them deeply.
Whether you are ever Mom, Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather, Aunt, Uncle, and so on… No matter what various roles you are called to play in this life, I invite you to pause and reflect a moment on your ancestor-hood. How might you be showing up to your family and relationships more fully if you were considering this as a part of your self-work in this life? What if a big part of all of life’s journey is solely about preparing yourself for the epic role of Ancestor?
*Find some potent ancestor healing tools and information HERE and HERE
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!