Held In The Heart
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COMMUNITY JOURNAL

Preparing for Death

The last time I visited my Grandparents grave-site, it was the perfect day – 65 degrees, sunny, breezy, dry... the way the light was shining through the trees was magical. I sat in the grass on their spot and leaned against their stone for awhile. We talked and I cried. The wind spoke too. Leaves rustled. Birds sang. It was peaceful.

There’s something sort of strange about a cemetery. I kept saying, “It’s so weird your bodies are under here...

I speak with my Grandparents often, and I know their bodies are not them. I don’t need to be at the cemetery to feel their energy. Yet I will say, it is lovely to have a quiet place outdoors in a big city — in their city — to sit and chat with them. So, I’m thankful.

They planned waaay in advance for that spot to be their resting place. (My Great-Grandparents and Great Uncle are there with them too.) And that’s something interesting to think about… Preparing for death.

I guess it’s nice to think that you could put a lot of love into a space ahead of time, and then have it actually work out the way you planned. Though the truth is, as you know, we never really know when the time to leave these bodies will come. Both of them were blessed with full, long lives, though for both of them, the actual death part came very suddenly.

Truth is, I feel that all of life is preparation for death.

White Sands, New Mexico • Photo by Me

White Sands, New Mexico • Photo by Me

Evolving my Soul, exploring and experiencing as much as I possibly can in this body... Self-mastery, remembering that I am Love. The work I do now is preparing my Soul for the exit it will make when that times comes.

I happen to know some pretty specific information about my Soul’s journey. I know about the countless lives I’ve lived, and what I came here to do in this one. I also happen to know that this is the last time I will be in a body. After this, I may choose to return again, but it won’t be required. The cycle of birth and death will be complete for me with this life.

When I first learned this information about my last life, it was oddly quite emotional, to be honest. There was some essence of relief, and a resonance like it “made sense” (I always knew I am a VERY old soul) so some of the emotion was that. At the same time, there was this longing type of sadness. The feeling is difficult to describe, but it’s like in knowing my last days are upon me, my Soul felt simultaneously heartbroken about the fact that my time on Earth is coming to a close.

It’s fun to be a human! There are thousands of things we come here to do and experience and feel, and when we exit, we also let go of the ability to do those things only a body can do. Though I’m sure the bliss of merging again with Spirit will be unimaginably epic, I think I’ll miss being able to touch and taste and see and SING. And at least a million others things that we’ll release when we return to our formless essence.

I generally keep this information to myself. This isn’t a conversation most people are ready to have. And it’s not something many can relate to, or are open to either. Though I guess today I am feeling bold and kind of like, f*ck it, people can think whatever they want. They can judge or laugh or not believe me, and all of that is just fine. I’m adding this to the list of not holding back anymore. I’m unwilling to expend my energy and limited days left on this magical planet staying stuck in caution about not being able to connect with others because of this.

There simply and literally isn’t any time left to waste.

People will either be on board with me walking the path I’m on, or they won’t. It has to be that simple anymore. And I certainly don’t mean that as some sort of dramatized ultimatum. That’s just me, totally relaxed saying, hey, here’s my Truth. I know these things about my life. Maybe they sound weird to you. If that’s the case, it’s cool. You are free to not stick around in this space.

As I often say, I’m not here to make you feel comfortable. That’s not how healing works, and that’s not how Truth works either. I sincerely invite you to adopt this clear boundary around your Truth for yourself as well – you are worthy of SO MUCH MORE than shape-shifting your life around, or holding yourself back or in, because others aren’t ready within themselves to watch you stand in your Truth. See how it isn’t even really about you?

So. How does one step forth with the knowing that this life is their last hoorah? Well, that’s kind of big question, and will probably lead into some long-winded territory for me (you know how I can get going…), though I will say for one that I make a great conscious practice of enjoying the crapola out of my food! Sitting with the taste of my favorite salsa or basking in the creamy sweetness of the yummiest iced cream – oozing GRATITUDE, and being in presence in those simple moments especially, is a must. There’s no cookies ‘n’ cream in the cosmos – I’ll definitely miss that too.

Right now I miss my Grandparents. I wish I could hug them again and look in their eyes, and smell their clothes. That’s one thing my human already won’t ever be able to do again. And maybe in a round about way that’s another way we are ourselves preparing for death – learning about it first in life through the experience of witnessing others in their passing. Learning to identify with the Soul and develop the understanding that we are never really gone. Learning that there really is no actual “loss”, just a change in form.

I entered into the world, in this body, on my Grandparents’ wedding anniversary. My Soul’s connection to them and their love was written in my contract from the start of this life. My birthday this November will also mark 72 years since the date of their sacred union. My Grandparents were Love. They were in Love, and they Loved our family. They were stubborn and wise, and simple, and they were consistent. I always knew what to expect with them — the same routine, the same everything in their house... it was a deeply significant gift to me in my ever-changing life.

I don’t know what it will be like “on the other side”.

Grandparents-hands.jpg

I don’t know “where” my Grandparents are now. I don’t know if I will see some version of them actually looking anything like what they looked on Earth. I know there won’t be scents to breathe in as I hug them, or laps to sit on, or cards to play. I do trust, however, that our Souls will know one another, we’ll somehow recognize each other. Or maybe it will just be in that merging with God that we’ll feel Home and connected to everything and everyone we’ve ever loved. In the truest experience of Oneness, we will all be there together in supreme Peace. We shall find out soon enough…

 

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Beth Barbaglia

For many years, writing has been one of the most integral practices for Beth in her healing & spiritual journey. Through this expression, she has uprooted some of her deepest pains, and discovered some of her most powerful insights. She shares her very personal experiences here to offer you a look into the rawness of her healing process, and to continue expanding her own capacity to be seen & heard in her vulnerability and Truth. / Beth also writes the Mantra and Recipe columns of the Journal, and shares more stories & teachings on Instagram.

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