Motherhood

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Motherhood is a beautiful experience,  as mothers we are gifted with the highest responsibility to nurture the future. I have carried and birthed two beautiful boys, they are the reason that I strive to be better every day. I want to ensure that my boys can and will have a life better than mine. I want them to have a future paved with opportunities,  raise them to have self confidence with the belief that they are the kings that God created them to be. I look at my children and see God's hand on my life and the trust that He gave me to add to his kingdom through my children.

Nevertheless, I want to be honest in my writing.  My motherhood journey has been a struggle. Many days motherhood feels like an internal tug of war, pulling me in the direction of depression and fighting to be the mother that my children need me to be.

I don't always exemplify the nurturing, connected and patient mother.

The words in Romans 7:15 — “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” — feels like a depiction of my life and motherhood. I can't tell you how many times I have yelled, shouted and acted against my own expectation of motherhood.

I have many goals and dreams. I want to become a great writer that is honest and connects to people on their journey. I have a desire to be a life coach, a woman that connects with other women, in support, hand in hand in whatever season of life they are in. However, most of all being a good mother is my greatest desire. Raising children while healing and transforming as a woman is a sobering experience (though I do understand that we are ever changing and evolving). I was not ready to become a mother. At the time that I had my oldest son, I was seeking love and not self awareness.

When I think about Mothers Day being in the month of May, the season of Spring, I think it is a perfect representation of my journey of motherhood. Spring for me represents the blossoms of new life, the new harvest of the seeds I planted in the harsh winter. Spring means the bitter cold doesn't always last.  My darkness, mistakes and hardships, come with new mercies; I have the perspective that spring is an opportunity to experience a renewal of the soul, mind, body, and life.

My children are growing with me and I am growing with them.

There are seeds that I am planting in them that I know God will allow to manifest and stay with them forever.

Despite some of my bad days, my children gave me a dirty mirror that I needed to clean. Motherhood has given me the conviction and wisdom to do better in my life. I struggle with control in life, but my children are gradually teaching me to let go of certain expectations and see life as experiences.

My prayer is that God is healing their hearts now, this is for them:

Trust Me

Dear young black king,

Do you know what that means when I call you that?

Do you know that I want the best for you?

Child of God,Do you believe you belong to a king?

I always said that I wanted a son,

like a fairy tale or a dream I could imagine,

packed lunches, school rides,

arts and crafts projects long talks and cuddles.

My dream has become a reality,

I need to ask you

Have I failed you?

You look to me to be the leader,

but it seems that it's the blind leading the blind;

I feel lost while trying to guide you,

in my darkness

Do you trust me?

I tell you that you are a leader,

Do you believe me?

We speak words of affirmations,

so that seeds will be plants to make you grow;

with your shoulder back and head held high.

Deeply rooted strong branches

Have faith in me that I am righting 

my wrongs and creating a space of new memories.

Dear young black king,

You are my son

And I Love you

Before I close it is important to me to acknowledge all the women whether you have adopted, taught, created or nurtured. You are to be celebrated as well. This writing is my truth about my experience in motherhood. Mothers Day is dedicated to women who have children. But as women, we all have nurtured and sacrificed for the children of our future. I want to say to all the mothers we are top tier, on our good days, heavy days and everything in between. Happy Mothers Day.

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