Ask for What You Need
For most of my adult life I expected those closest to me to be mind readers. I mean, if they truly knew me and deeply loved me, surely they knew what I wanted and needed. That was a terribly unfair (and untrue!) assumption. I’m the only one that truly knows what I want and need. Unless I share this with those I love, my needs will remain hidden to everyone else.
I don’t know what got into me but two years ago I told my husband I wanted a surprise party for my 40th birthday. Initially I thought this was kind of a ridiculous thing to ask for — I mean, how can one ask for a surprise?! It turns out, it was a pretty simple request: “Hey Brad, I want a surprise party this year.”
Now came the more challenging part — letting go. I asked for what I needed, now it was up to my husband to follow through.
(I titled this “Ask for What You Need” and now I’m wondering… did I really need a surprise party? Or is that more of a want? As an Enneagram Two my basic fear is of being unwanted and unworthy of being loved. I essentially asked my husband to relieve me of this fear by planning me a surprise party. So, yes, I think using need here is appropriate.)
It’s hard for me to let go of control.
And yet, I’m shown over and over that when I let go, amazing things happen. My husband came through in a BIG way for that surprise party. I imagined maybe a BBQ with family and friends. Maybe some live music. It turns out my imagination was limited, so limited.
He ended up getting a huge AirBnb with a pool near my family in Tennessee. Several carloads of friends drove down from Indianapolis for the weekend to celebrate with me. We played games, swam in the pool, went to downtown Nashville for live music, ate good food. It was incredible and no where near what I had imagined it would be — and I was SURPRISED!
I asked for what I needed and my husband, family and friends came through for me. I felt so wanted and loved.
My needs were met.
Last spring I had planned to run my 20th half marathon and have a little gathering at our house afterward. However, COVID happened and the race was cancelled. I took a page from my own book and decided to ask for what I needed.
In order to finish my own 20th half marathon (running my own route, not with the big crowd), I needed friends and family to support me. I sent out an email asking for what I needed and immediately I received responses full of support!
Though I had lots of friends signed up for various spots along my route, what I really needed was my whole family present. I needed them to see me accomplish this goal — a goal none of us could have ever imagined for me as I did not grow up as an athletic child. I had to be really clear about what I needed and in doing so, my family knew how to support me.
After I passed my first mile marker with friends holding signs and tossing confetti, I got a little teary. Then I thought to myself, “I am so loved.” I asked for what I needed and my needs were met. I was reminded once again that I am loved and worthy.
There were moments the week before the race when I doubted myself.
I started to feel selfish or even self-centered. However, a good friend reminded me that asking for support in accomplishing a big goal is not selfish or self-centered at all. In fact, after the race, another friend thanked me for including her. She’s a runner too and doesn’t often get to support other runners on race day.
I’ve had to lean into asking for what I need — it doesn’t come natural to me. Normally I’ll just do something myself instead of asking someone else to help, or God forbid, do it for me. If I’m capable, there’s no need to ask for help.
However, I’ve learned over the last two years that asking for what I need is not only a gift to me, it’s also a gift to those around me. I know how great it feels to help others, to contribute positively to their life. When I ask for what I need, I’m giving others an opportunity to feel good too. It’s a win for everyone!
Do you struggle with asking for what you need? What might be one small way you can ask for what you need this week? Or, why stay small? Ask for something BIG and watch your needs be met!
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(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!