Crying on the Treadmill

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It was Monday morning. After my morning routine of meditation, caring for our two dogs, a short walk and breakfast, I made my way to work… just a few steps from the table at which I just ate. I start every day with a check of my email and with just a few clicks in, I saw it.

Subject: news

Body: I’m pregnant. Let that soak in before staff meeting.

Okay, maybe that’s not exactly what the email said, but you get the gist.

I felt the emotions rising.

I was stunned and completely thrown off by this news. Lots of people get pregnant all the time. I see it on social media. I hear about it from so-and-so. This is the way the world works — women have babies.

For some reason, however, this one hit me really hard.

I reached out to a friend, and then another friend. The emotions were still building and I knew I needed to move them through. I couldn’t just sit in my office chair.

So I did what I knew how to do. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I pulled on my socks and grabbed my running shoes. I turned on the TV and cranked up the volume so I could hear it over the treadmill and I started running.

As I ran the tears started flowing. I’d never cried on the treadmill before but all of the sudden I was sobbing. The tears kept falling, my legs kept moving and I was breathing even harder than usual. At one point I wondered if this was safe, is it okay to cry and run on the treadmill? It’s hard to breathe. I’m not sure if this is safe.

I survived, so safe or not isn’t relevant. It was necessary. I had to move those feelings through my body.

I learned a really cool thing from Beth in her Express and Emerge program: emotions are energy in motion (e-motion). Ever since she dropped that powerful gem I’ve reminded myself to move when feelings are overwhelming me. Those feelings are energy in motion and they need to move.

Whether it’s a long walk after a hard conversation or a run on the treadmill after receiving difficult news, my body is now trained to move when my feelings start to bubble up. My body knows what she needs — it was probably less than 10 minutes between reading that email, texting a few friends and pushing start on the treadmill. My body knows what she knows and these days she doesn’t let me get by with ignoring those knowings!

Now, lest you think a cry on the treadmill solves all problems, let me be clear:

I was sad all day.

I had to work hard to keep my composure during that staff meeting. I cried off and on and reached out for support often.

But, by the next day, I was feeling a little better. I wasn’t as weepy, though I was worn out — that energy in motion has a way of doing that! And, by the end of the week, I was doing well and didn’t think about that “news” constantly. I know that the initial pull to run on the treadmill kept this process moving along — not because I was ignoring my feelings, just the opposite! By acknowledging them, by moving my body, by giving myself space to live in the midst of the pain, the grip that pain had on me was lessened a little every day.

It will come back. I can guarantee that. My life isn’t magically pain-free, nor is yours. However, when we pay attention and acknowledge the pain, when we notice the longings of our bodies, when we name our experiences, the pain no longer has the upper hand. We get to choose, friends. We can live good, full lives in the midst of the hard stuff.

It’s easier said than done — this paying attention, noticing and naming thing. It takes work and practice. And it’s not perfect. There will be a day that I forget that crying on the treadmill is an option and I’ll let pain be in control longer than necessary. But then I’ll remember and try again next time.

Crying on the treadmill is healing for me. What is healing for you?

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