Healing the Past with the Present
Recently my nephew asked me if I’d be his PE hero at school. I was blown away by this request.
You see, growing up I hated gym class. Once in middle school I was trying to hide in the back during a game of dodgeball and when I wasn’t looking, I got hit in the face which knocked my glasses to the ground. I had horrible eyesight so it took me a moment to even find my glasses.
Middle school
We had to do the presidential timed mile and I longed to get behind the evergreen trees along the trail so that I could walk for awhile. In high school I decided to just make a joke out of gym class. I intentionally goofed off and made others laugh in order to hide my inadequacies and lack of skill.
I was not coordinated. I was not fast. I was not athletic in anyway. Or at least that’s what I was convinced to believe.
Recently I was running and I found myself hesitating to refer to myself as a runner. I was out running and my mind was telling me, “you are not a runner.” Hmm.
I think it was that middle school Anne, the one who doubted herself, who was saying those words. No one had taken the time to teach her how to run at a reasonable pace. No one had reassured her that it’s okay to take walk breaks. No one comforted her when her glasses were knocked off or taught her how to throw a ball. No one spent time trying to show her how to do a cartwheel or dive off the side of the pool.
Gym class was not a place I felt welcome or included. It was a place where I just had to survive.
However, my nephew doesn’t know any of this. He’s not aware of my middle school self who is always trying to keep me in check with phrases like, “you aren’t coordinated” and “why do you call yourself a runner?”
After my 18th half marathon
No, he doesn’t hear those words. Instead he’s seen a wall hanging with dozens of medals I’ve received from races, including eighteen half marathons. He’s seen me go on walks with the dogs and chase him around the backyard. He’s seen me play ring around the rosy on the trampoline and play catch with the football in the front yard.
And get this, when we played catch with that football? He gave me some tips and told me when I did a good job. He encouraged me in a way that started to heal that middle school girl’s broken heart. He’s seven years old and unbeknownst to him, he’s helping me heal my past hurts.
So, when he found out he could ask someone to come to PE Hero Day at school, he asked his mom, “Anne runs. Do you think she would come?”
It took me less than a few seconds to reply back with an enthusiastic “YES!”
I’ll admit, going to gym class with a bunch of second graders sounded a bit intimidating. I didn’t know what to expect.
But, part of living a good, full life is saying yes to opportunities that are presented.
We played lots of games together. I interacted with some of his classmates and their PE Heros. I watched the teacher and found myself offering thanks for his teaching style. Every activity we did had a purpose. He told them what muscles we were warming up and asked them if those muscles felt tired. He reminded them that it’s important to get the heart rate up. This was not the gym class of my youth.
Through my nephew’s innocent question — do you think Anne will come? — I had the opportunity to heal. I have new experiences with gym class now. They replace the feelings of inadequacy and fear with capability and joy. We didn’t win all the games and I didn’t always catch the ball, but watching my nephew smile and laugh made it all worth it.
At the end of class, the teacher asked the students to give their hero a hug. My nephew wasn’t just hugging the 40-year-old Anne of today, he was hugging the middle school Anne and the high school Anne too.
The next time one of those past voices chimes in with feelings of unworthiness, I’ll remind her of our nephew and my day as his PE hero. I’ll remind her that part of living a good, full life is letting those feelings go. I’ll remind her that we are strong and capable now, just as we were 25 years ago.
Did you enjoy this read?
Please leave a comment below and share the link!
(She/Her)
The gal behind Held In The Heart. The Community Journal is a space for those who feel deeply to express freely. We explore all sorts of things here, from the real & raw healing stories & creative writing, to the funny & fleeting moments of everyday human life. I warmly welcome you and invite you to explore with us!