I Am Here

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At the start of each group/workshop/breathwork session, I always begin with an opening circle. This is where we go around the group and each person shares their name and where they are geographically. (We are all over the place in this community, so it’s quite fun to feel the connection spanning the miles!)

It’s during this process that I also offer the opportunity for you to share your “check-in”. Every class I say something along the lines of, ‘This is your chance to share your intention, what’s coming up for you right now… be witnessed, throw your “request” into the energetic pot, etc…’ And I always add, ‘…and if there’s nothing specific, or you don’t have much to give today, you can just share your name and say, “I am here.”’

In the recent days, this is where I’ve been – swimming deeply in my personal “one hour at a time” mantra, and densely feeling the essence of I am here.

Life can be pretty foggy sometimes, right?

And sometimes this dense fog sneaks up on you. It’s not to say we’re ever really “prepared” to go into the fog, though I’ve found in my experience that at times we are led into foggy spaces gradually, and other times it’s quite sudden.

You’ll be driving along, all blue skies and sunshine, and BAM. You hit a wall of thick, white fog. The road you were traveling that seemed so clear, suddenly has you slowing waaay down, barely able to see a few feet ahead of you. Just like it is on the actual road, when a metaphorical fog like this shows up out of nowhere in your life, it can be quite startling… unsettling even.

Such a fog incites things like confusion, worry, fear, anxiety, grief, & insecurity… These are some of the very real emotional energies I’ve felt moving through me in these recent days. Because this fog I’m in, well, it was the sudden kind. It showed up and caught me way off guard.

When a startling experience like this happens, our individual responses will vary greatly. For me there is usually a short initial period (and then sometimes waves that come and go for some days to follow) of feeling un-grounded. My usual very grounded self suddenly feels unsteady; the energy in the body has rapidly traversed upward, and is swirling around all in the head. This head-swirl leads to over-thinking… which leads to not sleeping well… which leads to major lack of motivation and creative inspiration… which leads to low productivity… which leads to self-shame… which leads to the black hole of despair where one goes to shrivel and die. Ok, so that last part is a bit dramatic. You feel me though, yeah?

It leads to a heavy, unrested emotional place that is, let’s just say, NOT fun.

Gratefully, over the years of my healing, I have learned how not to stay in the depths of despair very long, or even really go there at all anymore. Of course there is the allowance of feelings/emotions to move – and the choice to give myself a shitload of grace in that process – though then it is about moving to a place of uninhibited acceptance about what IS.

Sure, when ‘what is’ is a giant thick cloud of fog it can be challenging to accept, because you’re not even sure what you’re accepting! Yet, part of the beauty that lies in this unclear space is the opportunity to practice surrender and trust. And one of the most simple, powerful ways I know how to re-ground myself into this space of unconditional trust & acceptance, is to be with my body and my breath and slowly repeat, ‘I am here. I am here. I am here. I am HERE.’

For those of us whom experienced trauma that created some version of this “out-of-body” patterned energetic response, re-claiming our status of being HERE helps to regulate the nervous system by bringing the focus to the physical present, and allows the energy to settle back in to the body, and become grounded again. Give it a try next time and see how you feel!

Anymore there is a bonus facet of this experience that typically arrives for me too. Once I’ve given space for the emotions to move, and I’ve leaned into my acceptance and grounding, my ‘I am here’ practice usually organically shifts gears into full-on empowerment mode. The mantra really drops in and suddenly speaks itself as a firm & confident, ‘That’s right! I am HERE!’.

And then it is at this point that I tend to feel the desire to move, and of course there is only one song that suits this moment of epic, empowered dancing – P!NK’s track by the same name. :)

For today, I’m still in the fog. Clarity of the road ahead has not yet arrived, and the discomfort of that ebbs and flows. Yet, my trust does not wane. And my heart and body are more at ease, resting in the knowing that I am here.

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