Some days you just feel like shit. It's part of being human, right? I know this. And I know I will move through it. Yet in the midst, it feels almost suffocating. I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm what I've come to call, "drowning in my humanness". I feel overwhelmed. How can I do all this? What if I can't keep up? I'm just one person. This is a massive responsibility. Why me???
There is a subtle, deeper layer of self-doubt revealing itself in all this, and I'm suddenly consumed with questioning my capability of what I already know I can do.
Despite my outward appearance, my Higher Self is cool as a cat. It knows this is just part of the process. It knows I just need to rest because my system is pretty much constantly in integration mode from the upgrades. Yes, upgrades. (*Warning: I'm about to go into some "woo-woo" territory here.)
Almost 5 years ago now, I experienced what is referred to as a Light Body Activation. In short, it was a deeply profound spiritual awakening, a rapid time in which quite literally my Light Body was being activated. Meaning, I was coming back into connection with my Soul's Essence, the Light of Pure Universal Love, and I was being upgraded to a new level of consciousness. One where I would be required to raise my capacity for the amount of Light I would carry within me and my energy field. As well as begin preparation to continually carry more and more Light as time goes on. During the initial phase, there was an intensely emotional and physical response associated with all this for me. It would be difficult to put the details into words, because it falls into a category of experiences that are, what I consider to be, beyond human vocabulary.
In the years prior to my awakening, I used to visit a similar looking place at least once a week. The tears, feeling insecure, the lethargy, the not knowing where to begin, and then just freezing in fear. It's incredibly uncomfortable. There was a thread of this heaviness that I would wake up with every morning, and though it wasn't so bad that it kept me from doing well at my design job, or being productive in my side-gig Etsy business, it was always there. The world called it Depression. And then the tipping point would come, as I mentioned. About once or twice a week, I'd feel buried in emotion, lost in overwhelm, and just stuck, stuck, stuck.
It's quite rare that I get to the overwhelmed place these days. And though it might still look sort of similar on the outside, it doesn't last nearly as long, and the internal process couldn't be more different.
Now in these times, there is a keen awareness of what is happening within. And though I still feel the discomfort, maybe even more intensely in some ways, I am present with it. I am in acceptance and at peace with it. I allow the feelings to be there, rather than resisting or running from them, or being squashed by them. I also know, quite simply, that it is many things – it's the integration of the Light codes, yes, it also is the humanness. There is a very real experience our Soul is having feeling "contained" in this physical form. Sometimes we simply just feel like we want to burst. It may easily even be misinterpreted as anxiety, while it is oftentimes our limitless Soul just feeling trapped.
It's also the Full Moon energy, my reproductive cycle... as an Empath, it's feeling the collective feelings, it's some of my old story's lingering sadness.. even a bit of loneliness. Sometimes, a lot of loneliness. Wholly, I know all of it is the Universe giving me an opportunity to practice. That's really pretty much what everything is. A chance to practice how we will respond. A chance to to use our tools. A chance to CHOOSE.
So amidst all the work I "need" to do, and amidst the temptation to just throw in the towel altogether, I have chosen this. To write. To walk slowly through my day and be present and gentle with myself. To Love. To just Love myself. Not just "even when I feel like shit", but especially when I feel like shit.
Sure, this isn't the most eloquent, amazing thing I've ever written. But that's not the point. It's what's real for me in this moment. And rather than keeping this energy holed up inside, sucking the life out of me, I'm choosing to express it the clearest way that's possible for me right now. We must be willing to show up and do the best we can, even if it's a little messy.
Sending the warmest, coziest hug to anyone else who's in this place today, or any day. I feel you. I see you. You are not alone. We are in this together.
With Love & Grace, B.